?

Log in

02 August 2006 @ 10:34 pm
so, being a butch can be very tough sometimes. everybody expects you to be this strict stereotype and if you stray, even for a second, your title is stripped from you. fortunately for me i have a lot of the stereotypical qualities:

1. i wear mens clothing
jeans/suit
ties
hats
shoes
boxers
beaters

2. mens accessories
cologne
deodarant
watches
cufflinks
soap

3. i drive a pickup truck

4. i own a landscaping company

5. i do masculine things
work on cars/trucks
fix mowers and such
paint
build
kill bugs
fix anything broken
rewire all necessary things

6. i pump the gas
7. i hold the door open
8. i pay for things
9. i can't do laundry
10.i can only cook meat properly
11.i like to camp
12.i'm a top
13.i'm the protector
14.i have short hair
15.i have muscles
16.i have a tattoo
17.i chew tobacco
18.i drink beer
19.i love sports

so you get the picture, right?

but i have andro sides too-

1. though i have short hair, it's now long enough for the hair salon to ask if i want a bob (though i don't know what a bob is, i'm used to my crew cut)
2. i cry
3. i get hormonal
4. i like recieving flowers
5. i love to read
6. i write poetry
7. i dig girly movies
8. i like chick bands
9. i use to be femme

that's about it i think. so obviously my butch outways my andro. and if you think about it, it's really rather silly to worry about but ya know, if you told a straight femme that she was masculine she would have a heart attack or if you told a biker that he was feminine he would get angry as well. you see, it's the same thing. maybe the biker doesn't always want to wear leather. does that make him less of a biker? no. but in the lesbian world you are either a hard core butch, a dainty femme or a firm andro and those titles make up who we are unless you are a poser and you are created by making people see you for who you want to be. maybe i'm explaining it a bit confusingly, let's try again...

all of the aboved #'d are who i am. not my heart -and- soul- i- have- no- room- to- grow, me but, the- i - like- what- i- like- and i'm- more- than- likely- not-going-to-change, me. now, with the aboved mentioned things, one would say i'm a butch. i've been called a butch my entire adult life and a tom boy when i was a kid. butch has become my title. i'm used to it. it's an identity.
it goes the same for femmes. they wear make-up and dresses. they wear heels and are typically more emotional. they are proud of being "girly", that is who they are comfortable being and that is just who they are. it's their identity.
nobody is allowed to strip or change our identity but us. but it's tricky to keep your title if you change anything about yourself, unless you have some brilliant excuse.
for example: my mom's getting married. i have to wear a dress, so i figure i better get some heels to go with it and look the best i can. if my friends saw me they would immediately start making fun of me and call me a femme. now, if i explain the situation, then they would understand and feel bad for me and my title is saved. if i say nothing at all, then my title is changed, even if i go right back to fixing a car the next day. i am now considered andro.

here-the proof is in the pudding;
i asked my very femme girlfriend "if i called you masculine, how would you feel?
her answer-
"excuse me? how dare you call me masculine? i am not a man. i must be doing something wrong"

that was her general reaction. after which she ran upstairs and changed from jeans and a t-shirt (pink shoes mind you) to a skirt and some girly shirt with her hair all pulled up and smelling like a flower.

see, titles sound stupid but they are something to be proud of like saying you are the manager of a business instead a low pay employee. our title lets us as well as others know that we have earned who we are. we have earned this strong title and though we may never admit it, it gives us a secure feeling.

think about it butches and femmes out there: you are butch. you are femme. butches you are strong and protective. you are lion of the dyke world. you growl and pound your giant lion paw and people listen. you are handsome and though rough around the edges, you have a heart of gold. femmes, you are stunning and sensitive. you are the panther, sleek and svelt. you pull so much weight in the world. you are strong and beautiful, soft and gentle. you are the healers of the world.

now, how do you feel? proud?
i rest my case. i will be who i am inside. butch. whether i grow my hair long or i drive a harley. i may fit the stereotype now and i might stray a bit, but i will always be a butch at heart.
 
 
19 November 2005 @ 01:59 pm
the past couple of days have been cold. i've been working outside in winter weather, peeling ice from mulch and mucking about in wet leaves. ending my days, walking into the warmth of my home is heaven. i like to keep it at least 75 degrees in my house, i'm not all about the layering thing...the less clothing i have to wear, the better. a beater and jeans are all i need.

went on an excursion with jonathan the other day. we took a lunch break in oakland and went in search of my noodle place so that i could get pad thai. on the way i passed a tiben store, popped a u-ey and got blissfully sucked into singing bowls and gongs and incense...

i purchased a singing bowl for myself, a new cd, 2 pairs of pants, 2 shirts and a bunch of things for love.

finally made it to the noodle place but was dissappointed. they changed the store around a bit since my last visit about a month ago, now you have to order at the counter, then sit down and wait for your food with a number, but they don't seem to know how to use the number, they just bring out plates of food and walk around calling out the names of each plate hoping to find an owner. now, i've loved their pad thai since the first time i tried it but this time it was horrid. the smell was not of peanuts anymore but of wet, perhaps dead, dog. and the taste well...was worse than the smell. at this point, we leave, i'm still hungry because i could only choke down 3 bites of my lunch and we had to get back to work. stepped outside to wind, rain and hail. no more work for the rest of the day.

that was thursday. yesterday i spent the day working out, cleaning the house a bit and watching the L word.

this morning i woke up first, which was nice. i like having my own space and time alone at home. i made a cup of tea and worked out, then meditated and gave myself reiki and a mud masque. watched a little L word and am soon planning on going to a coffee house across town.

till later
 
 
i feel like: hungryhungry
 
 
17 November 2005 @ 01:40 am
slept in a bit waiting for my girl, love's, brother to arrive. he is my only employee right now while we are closing our season so i can't really leave without him. he was suppose to get to my house at 9:00 a.m. but didn't show up until 1. normally i would be pissed but it was hailing for most of the morning so i took advantage of the mall.

first stop: banana republic. bought two sweaters and a pair of pants.
then headed off to barnes and noble, bought a couple lesbian books, a cup of coffee and a bowl of split pea soup. (love says i should eat it because it's good for me but it's really hard to get past the look of it...nothing should be green AND a liquid at the same time)

headed home to clean the house up a bit and wait for loves brother. by the time he finally got here the weather had gotten worse so i drug him out for more shopping. destination: best buy. figured i could get a little eary christmas shopping done. i bought our son a new cd player and a gift for love and i- the L word season 2. then i had to treat myself to the best of the chicago bulls. i didn't realize just how much i missed the team from the 90's until michael jordan was tag teaming with pippin passing it to kerr for a beautiful 3 pointer.

needless to say, the second i got home, the dvd was started and accompanied by coors light and wings.

and now i sit, watching the news with my great dane at my side, and waiting for my girl to finish her cigarette so i can take her to bed...my favorite part of the day.

good night
 
 
17 November 2005 @ 01:29 am
this is my first entry so i will reveal a bit about myself.

i'm a quiet person. i like to sit back, in most situations, and be an observer. an entrapaneur of life.

i'm a musician on pause. i still write music but i stopped performing for now to focus on where i am right now

i recently started my own landscaping company and that has been where my time has been primarily, that and to a book that i am writing.

i live with my girl and her son here in pittsburgh but we are currently packing our things and heading back to austin texas, where i lived for years and call home.

i like to write lesbian erotica and my meditation lies within strokes of paint.

i love to work with my hands and enjoy fresh air and the warmth of the sun.
 
 
i feel like: tiredtired
here's what i'm hearing: the news